The White Guy (work in progress)


Dick Smithers was a White Guy.

A big, fat, stupid, beer-bellied, sexist, racist, small-penised, bigoted, ignorant-ass White Guy.

But he couldn’t help himself.

That’s just what he was.

Being a White Guy, Dick had always just assumed that he was better than everybody else who wasn’t a White Guy.

And why shouldn’t he?

That was how everybody around him had always acted for as long as he could remember and to him it just seemed perfectly natural.

As far as Dick was concerned White Guys like him had been ruling the world since the dawn of time and why the hell should anything be any different now?

White Guys were, in a nutshell, the status quo. Not that Dick would have ever been caught dead using a term like that, even if he had known what it meant.

That other people who weren’t White Guys had thoughts and feelings and dreams and needs of their own had simply never occurred to him.

To Dick, it was only the White Guys who really mattered.

The Homosexuals presented a special dilemma when it came to Dick’s system of classifying everybody in the world into as few categories as possible. Technically, most of them were White Guys, but they still sure as hell weren’t like him.

Ultimately he settled on just lumping them in with the Liberals and other such categories of lowlife subversives like Hollywood Actors and College Professors, even though some of the Homosexuals he had met were, in fact, seemingly quite conservative in much the same way as Dick was. He decided that didn’t matter because he had also met a few Blacks in his day who acted very much like your average White Guy on the surface, apparently without realizing that still didn’t change the color of their skin. So he decided that the Liberals and the Homos and the College Professors were all Black on the inside, which of course was where it really mattered anyway.

(Lesbians he never had a problem with because they were already women and had thus already been relegated into their respective place.)

Of course, Dick would never actually refer to anyone as a “Homosexual” or a “Lesbian”, and he seldom even referred to “Blacks”. He had a whole other set of choice words he used to describe these groups. When the particular word he used to describe Blacks suddenly became too socially unacceptable to say out loud anymore he simply revised his language by just referring to them all as “Democrats”. He considered himself quite clever for coming up with this and he and his White Guy friends had no end of fun denigrating the same old lowlifes they had always hated on in new and exciting ways.

Another group that had caused Dick and his friends no small amount of consternation in being able to categorize was the Jews.

One night one of Dick’s friends had brought them up as they all stood around drinking beer in Dick’s garage which he had built outside of his house trailer and where he actually spent most of his time.

Almost immediately the men had seperated themselves into two groups.

It seemed that half of them had been taught by their churches that the Jews were God’s chosen people and were not to be questioned, while the other half had been taught by their churches that the Jews were essentially The Devil incarnate.

Things got ugly that night and some of Dick’s friends almost came to blows.

After that they all just sort of followed an unspoken rule that the Jews were never to be mentioned again.

After all, they were White Guys and White Guys have to stick together.

“You always finish too soon!” Dick’s wife complained as he rolled off of her.

“Well…maybe you just don’t finish quick enough!” Dick retorted as he used her pillowcase to wipe off the goo of love from his tiny white tadger. He grinned sheepishly at his own cleverness.

“I’m going to sleep in the other bedroom!” his wife angrily snarled as she stormed out of the room.

A few minutes later Dick heard a buzzing sound coming through the walls as she finished the job herself.

He didn’t care. He had bought the damn thing for her.

And at least this way he could finally get some sleep.


© 2019 Bryan Patrick Deno